PHOTOS Marilyn Monroe, Ann (see No 1)

I don’t want to go to India; REASONS No 1-6

     It’s too hot

·         It’s smelly

·         I don’t like crowds

·         I’ll get sick

·         I don’t want to see the poverty

·         I can’t use public toilets

1)       It’s too hot…

My favourite temperature is 18 degrees Celcius. I blame my Danish roots for not being able to cope with heat. The best overseas holiday I ever had was in Athens for 21 days from March the 22^nd. The temperature was 18 degrees Celcius every day. There was a bonus too… no-one goes to Greece in winter (seeNo3). I will look like a  wet, nasty fat Marilyn. Brother Craig says we are going to go on trains… a lot…. and they have air conditioning. So my plan is not to get off the train.

2)       It’s smelly….

My mother (June) told me, when she returned from her second tour of India (and I have a memory “like an elephant when it suits me” she said), the smell is completely overpowering. Hmmmm…ok well my sense of smell is diminished over the last 10 years. They say that is the first sign of cancer. I’ll make a doctor’s appointment when I back home from India.

3)       I don’t like crowds…

I go to cinemas when I know no-one is going; like 1030hrs on Saturdays. I go to Art Galleries at unpopular times or on unpopular days; like 0830hrs on Mondays. I visit cafes at 1115hrs which is generally the time everyone has finished coffee break and before their lunchtime. I will not go to a party on a boat, in case there are too many people and I cannot go home when I want. (Also see No6). I’m in trouble.

4)       I’ll get sick…

I went to Mexico in 1980 and got sick.  I spent a fortnight on my back in a panel van with and 2 girlfriends and an alcoholic, gun- carrying cameraman, called Don. Leaving Mexico, I missed Texas. I ate one bread roll and drank 3 cokes a day for 14 days. On the bright side I lost 20 pounds. I’m BOUND to get sick in India.

5)       I don’t want to see the poverty…

I have given money to beggars in New York, London, Wellington and Auckland. I do not want to be standing on a corner in Mumbai for hours giving away all I have. It’s a recession. I have no money.

6)      I can’t use public toilets…

There will not be enough toilet paper to line the seat..are there seats?